Wounded Warrior Wives

I feel like it’s been so long that I’ve sat and taken the time to update, that I’ll never be able to catch up.

But, I’m going to try.

We are still here…still chugging along.

Things seem to be moving so quickly. I wake up in the morning and suddenly I’m hitting the pillow and saying good night.

The wedding week was a blast! I was spoiled with being able to have so much time with friends! Cale had a good hard week. It was full of challenges because although it was wonderful, it was a whole lot of stimulation for him. I knew that the time he was having with the guys was needed and whatever I was going to have to deal with, I would.

Joe and Beth had a beautiful wedding! It was extra special having Cale walk and be a part of everything. There was a time that Rachel and I had talked about how Cale may be in a nursing home when they got married, or in a wheelchair. If he was still in the wheelchair it would have been no problem and we would have made whatever needed to work happen, but praise God that he walked!

We did have a couple escape plans in case Cale wasn’t able to handle standing up front. The rehearsal was a bit…interesting, but everything worked out just fine!

At the reception, Cale was Mr. Happy. His humor shines through more and more every day…and I love it! At one point Mama was talking with our Pastor and Cale walked up behind her and bit her head! Twice! What can I say?

He also at one point looked at me and stated, “You are K A and I am C A” I agreed as he was talking about the first two letters of our name. He then added, “We’re ka ca” Oh how I love that man. Nothing like announcing to everyone around that the Darlings are ca ca poo poo!   

I was playing catch up last week along with spending time on phone calls. We’ve been trying to straighten out a few things with the VA.

Early Friday morning I left for a retreat. I had just recently been to one and wouldn’t have gone to another so quickly if I wouldn’t have been invited by one of the ladies running it. They were doing a pilot program and asked if I would attend and give feedback and compare to the last one.

It was awesome.

I was so impressed with the materials they used and the focus of the weekend.

I was thinking today about what a wounded warrior wife is…

And after reading some of what the ladies posted, I wanted to share.

These wounded warrior wives were making a declaration to be women that…

Are strong, compassionate, tireless, determined, fighters, live in the moment, love, family, strength, faith, they pour love into people, they listen, they teach by example, an advocate, empowered, alive, a breath of air, and speaks possibility into others.

This was just a fraction of the list.

Are we all of these things? Nope. Are we any of them? Hopefully, but not perfected! What stands out and amazes me is that I sat in a room full of women that all came with baggage and struggles, but they all desire to be more than what their situation is at home.

I thought of them Sunday night as I sat alone crying on my bathroom floor. Coming home was wonderful and I was having a beautiful time with Cale, but that lasted until he got really upset about brushing his teeth.

It was a big tantrum.

It was hard.

I hated it.

I felt defeated.

And then I thought of all those women and what they were dealing with as they went home. Were they all having perfect romantic nights?

Nope.

But I knew they were trying.

In that moment of frustration and hurt, I asked myself what in me allows for me to love my husband when it’s the not-so-easy times? Why do I love him so? Why am I still crazy about him even though we have these hard nights when brain injury wins out and I’m left alone?

It’s Christ in me.

His love is enough. His love is enough that when the tears are still streaming down my red cheeks, that I can get up, locate my husband, and with loving words talk him into coming back to the bedroom with me.

God’s enough that even though I may have not done anything wrong, I can still ask Cale to forgive me because in his mind I hurt him in some way. His feelings matter.

I went to bed Sunday night encouraged. Challenged. Comforted.

I was blessed to get away from life here and take a break.

I’ve been working on a new tactic with Cale the last few days for when he starts to get worked up. The idea came from one of the things we worked on at the retreat and I wondered how I could switch it around and change it to fit Cale’s needs.. So far, I think it’s helping!

Before our appointments in Seattle, Cale’s doc had already prescribed some therapy. Even though we were told we wouldn’t get PT and only a few sessions of speech, we’re able to still add on what was prescribed. Today was our first day of testing and assessment for where Cale is at. Speech went good even though Cale started the session off with letting the speech therapist know he did not want to be there at all. Haha!. She handled it well :o)

I was nervous about how PT was going to go since he has struggled with it the most the last several months, but to my surprise it went great! We talked about goals and Cale told the PT that he wanted to pick up and carry our baby safely! We talked to him about how we would love to have a baby at some point and the different things we need to work on to reach that goal. I fully believe it’s possible for Cale to reach it! It warmed my heart hearing him make a goal for our future baby!

I finished the Hunger Games.

It heated up here for a few days and then BAM! the chill came back.

There are way too many people I wished lived on my block.

I attempted to watch a movie from Netflix with Mama the other night. Bad. Movie.

I have a list that is longer than Santa’s naughty or nice list of crafts I have planned.

Cale had orange and blue suits made in Afghanistan for him to wear with TJ when he came back from deployment. The idea was from the movie Dumb and Dumber. It never happened because of the accident, so while the guys were together for the wedding, they suited up!

Cale almost always has a Mt. Dew bottle with him but he hardly drinks any of it! It’s just a comfort to have it with him.

While I was on my trip, he sang along with Mama to the theme song for Gilmore Girls.

He cracks me up!

There is a possible change of plans to the Darling Project. I’ll update more when I have info. Please keep praying!

I’m sure there are many more things that I should be adding, but I’ve come to the end of the memory bank.

One last thing…last night was incredible. There were tears again, but happy ones this time. All things are possible through Christ!

I found the pot from the 1920's and decided it was perfect to host my oregano. I adore it. We’ve been spending (well, when it was warmer out) more time outside.

We are so blessed with the house we have now and the deck that came with it. Do you think that a nice deck can go under the list of “needs” for our next house if I say it’s for my therapy?!

These are the two best people to hug before flying!

The first activity of the weekend was painting. Mine looks like a kid in grade school could have done it, but Cale said he liked it J

Home with him is always good.

I really am going to try to update a little more often. Haven't I said that before? hmm...

All about the pictures...

                                                               Wedding Days...

Mothers Day...

Mama's Surprise Birthday...

Happy Birthday to my crazy Mama! :) Love ya!

More update to come...

Oh me oh my!

I had no idea a week had gone by until yesterday afternoon. I told myself I needed to get on here and update last night, but after bible study I just couldn’t get my head to get the job done.
It feels like so much has happened since I lasted posted. It for sure feels longer than a week when I look back and remember how happy and exciting things were as I typed up my last post. What was my last comment? Something about VA appointments aren’t a big deal…?

Let me go back in time a little. I posted on Monday after we were finished with two appointments and were tucked comfortably back in our hotel room. Tuesday morning we had another appointment but it was a different kind, not at the VA. We went to a bike shop! Last year after getting to the Seattle VA, we filled out information for a tandem bike. I’m pretty sure I at some point wrote about how excited we were to get it. Well, it’s been well over a year and still nothing! Boo. This appointment was us doing the steps to get the bike again. It was actually great that we had to do it again because the bike that we have picked out is perfect! The man that owns the bike shop came up with a great plan for us so now we wait to see if the VA will agree :o)

The second appointment for the day was testing. So far during Cale’s recovery, he hasn’t been at a level that he was able to tolerate cognitive testing to find out where he’s at. I was told after it was all done that it was just basic testing, but it seemed pretty intense to me! I guess the more extensive testing will be coming in a few months. I was impressed with how well he did with the testing and how well he handled it! During one point she had him draw a clock and gave a specific time. He struggled so much with it. I watched him as he fought with his hand and rubbed his eyes. He tried so hard and it should have been such a simple task to complete. My heart was breaking as I watched struggle after struggle. While my heart ached for him I also became overwhelmed with a deep since of pride for him. That man sitting in front of a lady he had never met was doing everything she asked even if it took all of his energy. It was even commented on twice while in Seattle about how he tries hard at whatever task is at hand. Such a blessing he is! After all the testing was completed, we spoke quickly about how he did. In all areas he did show impaired, which wasn’t a surprise, but I couldn’t be crushed after just witnessing him push through and do his very best.
We had dinner with friends that we had met in Colorado and again enjoyed a wonderful evening together. I was still excited for the last appointment and ready to come up with a new therapy plan for Cale. I felt like everything had been smooth sailing and Cale was still in a great mood. All was well.

At first everything was pleasant, much of the normal questions about Cale and his care. I sat in the corner holding my notebook, pen in hand ready to take notes on all the information that was about to be presented. I could see the look in Cale’s eyes and watched him began to fidget from boredom as I answered every question the best that I could. The questions started to become more involved forcing me to rapidly think of our goals and the specific changes I’ve seen in Cale. I didn’t think a thing differently and waited for us to see the main doctor. When she came I listened to every word that was spoken and even joined on the walk in the hall as the two doctors observed Cale’s gate as he walked. In my little clueless mind things were looking up and every minute was closer to us leaving with a plan in motion. All tires screeched to a stop when the doctor sat back in the room and let me know that my husband has had a lot of therapy and it’s been two years. He has stabilized across the board and has hit a bump that he may not get over and that they were not going to support continued treatment.
The room became very small very quickly. She switched gears talking about something else and I was fighting back the tears. I put on a smile and left the room. I realize that some may have taken a stand in that moment and had many words to share with the doctor, but I always need time to pray and process. There was a lot said in the short time we were in that room and what stuck needed to be surrendered. We walked out of the VA fairly quickly and got to the car. I was still holding back not wanting to completely let everything out because I still had to think of Cale. I still had to get us home. Most of the way a word was hardly spoken. Our ipod was playing song after song as I let my mind find a way to put all of what was happening together. Our source of treatment was just denied. What does this mean? Whenever a slower song came on over the speakers, Cale would have me change it until there was a fast song again. At one point I surrender by Kim Walker came on and there was no changing it. I sang. I belted out the words in a desperate longing sense of freedom from carrying the burden that lay before me.

That led me to a domino effect of thoughts about how people that know Jesus or don’t know Jesus walk through trials in life. There are people that have someone they love living with a brain injury that maybe have never given the name Jesus a second thought. Does the loved one heal? Make progress? Yes. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don’t. Is Cale as far as He is because of the Lord healing him? I believe yes, but do other people that don’t know Jesus progress farther than the doctors predict? Sometimes. The brain injury journey of recovery may not look so different from person to person, but what becomes so real and “different” is in those moments when reality just doesn’t look so pretty and the urge to flee from it all surfaces, when the “it isn’t fair!” cries out, and the amount of what has been taken and will never be is measured, I don’t have to take the next breath alone. The next step is not done with the weight of it all.
It’s so much bigger than just knowing and saying God carries me and is with us. It’s way more than believing and trusting He has plans for us. It goes a lot farther than the pain that I feel missing my man. The foundation of who Jesus is and what He has done is the truth that sets us free from the bondage of doing it all alone. He was a real man and He did walk this earth. He was beaten and whipped into a bloody mess. He did die on a cross, BUT He rose again! When I take it back to the cross, I’m reminded in a tangible way about eternity. This life is not what it’s all about.

With all of these thoughts running through my head the last week, singing Christ is Risen by Matt Maher at church was perfect! Oh death where is your  sting?

The amount of therapy I can fight to get Cale, the different treatments I can search out for him, the days spent on my knees praying for his healing…they are not what this life is about. They’re good things, but not the main point.

It’s just earth.

It’s not our home.

And no matter how far Cale does come, I’m his wife and he’s my husband and I love him so.

The gift that topped it all this last week was yesterday while I was on the phone, I walked to our bedroom and completely stopped talking. I lost all focus of the conversation and my eyes focused on our bed. Cale had already been in the living room with me for a while, but before he had joined me, he made our bed.
Does he normally have the initiation let alone the desire to make our bed? No. Never. I try to have him help me fairly often as part of our morning, but him do it on his own? Not a chance.

But he did. It was a first! As long as their keeps being firsts, there keeps being progress and continued progress means he’s not done healing.

The Lord knew I needed that sweet gift.

Wednesday was just a crazy day all together! We arrived home and I had about 15-20 minutes to unload the car and head to a TBI support group. We’ve been home over a year and not once I’ve been able to go. Mama cooks at church on Wednesdays and Cale’s mom works, so there hasn’t been someone to be with Cale. I knew his mom had taken that day off, so on our way home I asked if she would be willing to come hang out with him. I found out about a couple things at the group that we’ve been looking into which felt so great. After it was over I went straight home and again had about 15 minutes before we were out the door and headed to Cale’s neuropsych appointment. It was a busy day, but by the time my head hit the pillow I felt so much lighter!

We’ve been busy with wedding stuff lately. It’s been a great time for both of us hanging out with friends! Cale is a groomsman and I’m a bridesmaid, and we’re excited for Joe and Beth! TJ flew in yesterday which of course has made Cale super happy! We’re having a good time :o)

On to some randoms…

Cale’s reasoning for everyone to eat Mc Donalds all the time, “It’s cheap fast and good.”

Twice on Wednesday Cale would say to me, “You’re random but I love you anyways.” What?! Haha! It was funny that it kind of came out of nowhere and that he said it two different times. That night at neuropsych I was telling Dr. L about it and we laughed and the he asked why he thought I was random because I always have a notebook taking notes, remember what other people say, and always have all the correct documents. Cale without hesitation says, “You don’t see her other times!” I was laughing so hard! Dr. L then questions, “is she random like weird?” “Yep. She’s weird” says my oh so sweet husband! I couldn’t stop laughing thinking about Cale saying, “other times!” Oh man.

This morning Cale says to me, “You’re lucky you have an H” Huh? When I asked what he meant he said, “or else you would be Katleen.” And then cracked himself up.

I would be lying if I said that with all of us together again; I’m not feeling the pain of missing Cale
and being reminded yet again how his disability has changed so many details in our life. I also can’t help but smile and think about where we are in life and how blessed we really are. It’s amazing to see him laugh and joke with our friends when not too long ago we were praising the Lord and rejoicing over him lifting his arm or moving his fingers.

Exciting stuff!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Here's some picture fun for ya!

 

Can you guess which drink is mine? Little coffee or massive Mt Dew?!

The bike that Cale is on is part of the whole bike that we're trying to get. There's a device to connect two of those bikes together and will allow for us to still go on bike trails. We'll see how it goes!

Last week during the many different appointments, I started reading the Hunger Games. Oh goodness. I’m half way through the second one and it’s been a week. Yes, when I blow dry my hair I’m reading, when I curl my hair, I’m reading!

Cale testing. I am SO proud of him!

Us :o)

Us after all the appointments…

Finding these two together never gets old and never stops being over the top sweet! They melt me.

My gift. He is the sweetest!

Cale went shooting with all the guys yesterday. Turns out the gun beat him up a bit! I told him it looked like a lightning bolt so i should call him Lightning Mcqueen and his response was, "Lightning McKing! Girls are queens!"

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

 -LT

p.s. I had a video to share but blogger is all switched around and crazy...so I haven't figured out how to post one yet!

Seattleness

To start this post off…


Do you remember me writing about Cale being a trickster in my LAST post?! I’m not even kidding…right after writing to you and sharing about how he scared me on purpose…he did it again! Wednesday night when I went to bed, Cale was already curled up with Basil asleep. I washed up for bed as quietly as I could and even moved Basil off the bed quietly. I had to wake Cale a little since he was asleep on top of the covers and then I crawled under with him. I felt something under my leg and kind of moved curious of what it was, but then it kind of moved with me…uh? At that point I freaked…a little and when I lifted back the cover at first I just saw this tale. AHHHHH! Yes. I screamed. I screamed really loud and in that spilt second when I turned to my knight in shining armor, he was laughing! Not just a ha ha ha kind of laugh, but a full deep belly kind of laughter. That of course created several minutes of both of us laughing so hard we could hardly catch our breath! I should have known something was up when Chris and Cale had gone on a “top secret” stop while they were out together, but when they came back with Mt. Dew and Reese’s I thought I had it all figured out!

Here’s for some randoms…


This was a couple Saturdays ago. It was such a sweet moment of us just chillin' and being together-

I used to think pedicures were a waste of money because it's not too hard to paint my own toenails, but I have to say, I think differently now. Not that I think they're not a waste of money, but about how wonderful I think it feels to let someone else do the work!

One of my favorite parts of our house is the pretty tree out front. I remember last year starring at it all the time and wanting to take lots of pictures in front of it. BEAUTIFUL! It's in bloom again...love.

I finally finished our schedule board and I adore it! It turned out perfectly and the schedule itself has saved me from sheer craziness...or has it?!

I used a picture frame and for the back I covered it with a grey sheet. I printed out our schedule and put it to one side. I wanted to have room to write notes through the week or grocery items we run out of. I made the little rolled flowers out of sheet from our bed (Cale hates the top sheet so we always have leftover if we by them in a set) and when you put it all together...it's cute! :o)

I cut my hair. It's not quite as short as I did last August but about the same. It's not adventurous  or anything crazy, but it feels better! I just went in to get it trimmed but the sun was shining and the birds were chirping. I had no choice but to chop of almost 4 inches! It sounds like a lot more to me than I'm sure it really is. I always feel odd about just taking a picture of myself, so I had Cale take one and decided it would work!

We love games. One gift and blessing out of this whole car accident and brain injury thing...we play cards at 10am on a week day :o)

Basil makes us laugh...he gets himself so comfy!

We had our niece over Saturday night. Cale's sister lives in the same city and we hardly get to see her or the kids! We enjoyed having her over and spending some time with her. We went to Yoplicity after movie AND dinner! Later that night she wanted to dress up so first Cale did her make up and then I did her hair and then she played dress up with my dresses :o) So cute and so fun! I couldn't help thinking about Cale being such a good daddy if we ever have a daughter. He was willing to join in the girl fun!

The next morning instead of getting up and ready for church, we got up and after everything was ready to go, we took our sweet guest back home and we hit the road to Seattle! Cale has 5 appointments between today and Wednesday.

On our way up we stopped in the same town we always do for a little "Cale" break. After giving several (13 to be exact) choices of where to get lunch, he wouldn't budge...

I'm not sure if it says anything about us getting older or just shows where we're at in life, but when we drove into town and checked into our hotel, I gave some options about us going to a movie or dinner or shopping, but we both just wanted to veg! We stayed inside the rest of the day...didn't even go out for dinner, instead we just snacked!


This morning started off early with a neurology appointment. Cale did awesome! They do a routine basic cognitive exam and then most of the appointment is checking all his physical reactions to the brain injury. I've been witness to these same appointments several times and can I just say, it is amazing to watch with my eyes the changes and the miracle that Cale is. No, it may not be an overnight instant "BAM" he's healed, but not all miracles are that way. His brain is still healing...he's still alive...he's telling jokes (and pulling pranks!) and when asked what year it is he answered that it was 2012. That doesn't happen very often at all...but it did today!


He doesn't look too happy about getting his blood pressure checked! He was actually smiling and talking with the nurse though!

With every appointment comes waiting...

Part of the physical exam was checking reactions on his feet. Since the accident his feet are extremely sensitive and so when he was being checked out, he couldn't stand the ticklish feeling. It was causing him to laugh and his feet to jump all over the place. They decided to write on the chart that result was unclear... ;o)

Just give the Dew and all will be well again! :o)

I was snapping so many pictures of Cale he wanted to take one of me! Of course he had to capture his note-taking audience! It's what all the poor doctors have to look forward to...WAAHAHAHAHA!

Next came his eye appointment. Afterwards Cale summed it up by saying, "waste of time" and I have to say I agree. All they did was have him try to see the pictures on the wall, took notes of how he doesn't see great and talked briefly about possibility of surgery for his eye that would be basically cosmetic. His vision issues are neurological and they believe there is nothing that will help. The end. We did find out that a while ago we were named the "waiting room love birds" so whenever we come in (the neurology and eye clinic are in the same area) the staff know who we are! haha!

Day 1...two appointments down! After all our hard work we went to lunch at one of my favorites, Romano's Macaroni Grill. Love. It's all about the bread folks.

One of the really fun things about eating there is the paper tablecloths and getting to color! Cale has been missing Basil so I thought I'd be a sweet wife a draw a picture to give us a giggle as we pretended our adorable dog was joining us. Well...a giggle is what I gave us for sure!

We also played some hangman and oh the fun that was! Cale actually did great when he was the one guessing the letters, but when he was the one to think of the word we had some problems...a little bit. He would forget the word that he had in his head and then the second time I had him write it on the side, but his writing and spelling aren't great so that was even more confusing for him. We had fun though!

So far we have been having a super great time together! We've been laughing and just enjoying each other. It feels good. Feels right.


Appointments at the VA...eh, no big deal! Ha! :o)